Shattered Glass

I'm trying, I really am. I will try and not break, but this is something I've never experienced before and it's hard. Yet, some of those I tell only laugh. They have no idea I'm shattered inside. Millions of pieces broken everywhere. They don't realize that this is something that is going to rip me apart. I must be brave, even though I'm scared.

Writing My Thoughts.

I've heard that writing can be a way for people to relax and unwind. It's true, but at the same time I still feel that pit in my stomach filled with pain after each word I type. I know the pain will decrease over time, but I know it will always be there a little bit. Writing helps me find my inner emotions, and I like having this blog because I feel like people don't read it, so it makes me want to go deeper into my feelings. But maybe people do read it, I'm not sure. All I know is that writing seems to be the best way for me to describe how I'm feeling.

Intellectual Conversations.

“I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what’s really important in life.” I've never read a quote more true. 

Wondering Mind

My heart is full, full of love, grief, compassion, and pain. I’ve been blessed, and I’ve been through some unfortunate heartache. I often think of why certain matters happen, or the reason of the matters happening, and at the moment it doesn’t always make sense. Even as time has past, some things still don’t make sense to me. Yet I know someday it will, but it doesn’t make it any easier. “The mind replays what the heart can’t delete.” My mind still wonders and overthinks every little thing. Sometimes I think about these things, because I’m scared. I’m scared of what could happen. I know there’s nothing that can be done about it though. That’s life.

Silent People. Loud Thoughts.

Silence can be some of the loudest words we say. However sometimes we just want to stay quiet, because no words can describe the thoughts and feelings going through our minds and hearts. Silent people can have some of the loudest minds. We can be afraid of what our words can do. We fear that it can change relationships, situations, and/or perspectives. The power of words has the ability to move mountains, and it’s huge risk for some people to take. Although, it’s those risks that we take, that can change things forever. “If it’s still in your mind, it’s worth the risk.” If something is truly important to you, it’s worth the risk. You never know if the one you’re talking to could be waiting to hear or maybe even wanting to say the same thing. It’s just a matter of getting those thoughts into words though.

Never Give Up

Never give up. Cheesy I know, but very true. We can't lose sight of what we want most, even if it seems insurmountable to obtain. If you even have the slightest idea of what you want, go for it. There's a reason you want it and if you never strive for it, you may never get that opportunity again. Sometimes it takes a while, but the longer it takes the more you'll appreciate it. Don't ever let fear control your feelings, especially if it feels right to your heart and mind. Just because things aren't as ideal as you thought they'd be, doesn't mean you should give up. Things aren't always easy, but that's what makes us great in the end.

A Moment In Time

Ever just sit and try and be "in the moment", but then realize that "moment" will be soon be over. I do. I hate it. Whenever I'm truly enjoying something I try so hard not to think of how of I'm going to feel when it's over. Time goes by and there's nothing we can do to slow it down or speed it up. There is no escaping time. Days can feel long and weeks can feel short, sometimes vise versa. Time kills. Literally. Every second is second closer to death. Now, that's a really depressing way of looking at life, but if you're an optimistic person it can inspire you. Time is precious. People always say that we can't waste time, but if you're enjoying it, it's not time wasted.

“Love isn’t all about flirting, hugs, kisses, and sex. Love is about having the ability to take all those things away and still have feelings for that person.” 

The Strength Within Us

The strongest people who surround us are the individuals that laugh during unspoken suffering, weep on the other side of shut doors, and fight the bad fights nobody notices. Strong people typically have their life figured out, even when they are at their breaking points. They stand tall with tears in their eyes and pain in their hearts, but still seem capable of saying they’re fine with their heads held high. We were all given this life because God knows we are strong enough to face and live it. We wouldn’t be given situations too tough for us to grasp. However, being strong doesn’t always mean you have to hold your head high and say you’re fine. Sometimes being strong is being able to trust those who have blessed your life and let them guide and direct you. It can be scary telling people your burdens, but if they care about you they will not judge or worry you. Rather they will come to you filled with love and compassion. That to me probably takes more strength than putting on an “I’m fine” face.

Forever Changed (rough draft)

“When something challenges you, that’s when it changes you.” I am forever changed. My first semester of college undeniably shaped me into who I am today. I came to Brigham Young University-Idaho out of spite and to fulfill a compromise I made with my parents. If I attended my first semester at BYU-Idaho I could go to the University of Colorado Colorado Springs in January, then after both semesters were complete I would decide which school I liked more. I wanted nothing to do with the Mormon Church, I did not understand nor agree with some of the key aspects of the church.

I thought I knew what I wanted in life. I wanted to attend the University of Colorado Colorado Springs, major in Business Administration and Management, emphasis on entrepreneurship. To me life was great, minus the fact that I had to be forced into attend BYU-Idaho. I had met my roommates only via Facebook, other than that I had no connection to the five girls I was going to be living with.

September 12, 2014 strolled along and I found myself walking towards the apartment complex I was planning on living at the next few months. When I walked into the doors I was instantly filled with a feeling of excitement and frustration. I was finally going to be on my own and away from my family, but like stated before I was attending a college I had to interest in whatsoever. After getting settled in and meeting the girls, I began to believe that ‘this semester is going to be a peace of cake, I’ll be attending UCCS in no time’. Classes began a couple days later and I remember sitting down in my English class and the teacher asked one of us to say the opening prayer. I wasn’t okay with this, ‘there’s a time and place to pray, but in English class…is this necessary.’

The next day after I finished my classes, I was headed back to my apartment when I noticed everyone was dressed up. I realized that every Tuesday at 2pm there’s a devotional the campus puts together for the students to attend. I was told by many people back home to attend as much devotionals as I could, but I thought they were crazy for thinking I was going to be attending those. I’d always find excuses on why I wasn’t going to go, like “too much homework” or “I need to call my parents.” The next week I was informed Elder Jeffery R. Holland was going to be speaking at devotional, so of course I had to attend devotional.

All my roommates and I went, when we were there my roommates had their notepads and journals out to take notes. As the devotional began I sat there listening and I began to really enjoy the message being conveyed, so I pulled out a piece of paper and took notes as well. Elder Holland discussed how to be truly happy, not worldly happy but eternally happy.  It was then when I recognized I needed to find out if the Book of Mormon was something I believed in. I had always been struggling on my testimony since I was a sophomore in high school. I had tried, but my testimony seemed to fall apart the more I tried, which eventually led to me giving up on it. The next day I was reading out of my Book of Mormon student manual and came across this “A sincere reader may not immediately gain a testimony when reading the Book of Mormon. Further, some people may not recognize the testimony that is growing as they study and pray over this tremendous text.” I came to the realization that I was beating myself up too much about not having that “light bulb” impression. I then understood I had to let my testimony grow and be nourished over time and eventually it will be revealed unto me.

A couple days had past and I had a dream where I chose to continue studying at Brigham Young University in Idaho. It then dawned on me after telling my mother about my dream, that this wasn’t an accident that I had that dream. I was sincerely enjoying my time at BYU. I had been blessed with five of the most amazing and beautiful roommates; their strong spirits lifted me up in ways I didn’t know was imaginable, and all of my professors taught with such a strong and powerful testimony of the gospel.

I really began to struggle on whether or not I should attend UCCS in the winter or stay at BYU. I laid out the pros and cons to attending each university, and yet it was still unclear to me on what I was supposed to do. I began to earnestly search my scriptures and pray about it. Later that week my family was dropping off my brother Collin at the MTC (Missionary Training Center) in Utah. During that time I was in my math class when I received a text from my mother saying “It’s official!! Elder Willardsen is in the MTC as of 1:10pm!!!” I was instantly brought to tears. The spirit was just swept over my body and I knew that, that is where my brother was supposed to be. It then occurred to me that if I didn’t have a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, why would I be crying right now.

A few days had past and I was going to a haunted house with some friends, it was a lot of fun. On our way back from the haunted house we could see the temple off in the distance, when one of my friends said “Look at the temple, isn’t it beautiful?” I looked at them and all of a sudden a huge wave of warmth overcame me. I knew exactly what it was; it was my “light bulb” experience. I knew right then and there that the church was true. It was that moment when everything fell together. All my confusion on what University to attend became clear. I knew that with this decision I was going to lose some friends. However, this was the only time in my life I had to be selfish.

The following Sunday I told one of my friends who I’d been close with for about four years and was teaching me about basic Christianity, that I was moving to Idaho and will no longer be attending the University of Colorado Colorado Springs. I explained to him that I wanted to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He was very upset and disappointed with me. My friend always had a hard time accepting Mormonism and never agreed with it. He told me what Mormons believe isn’t true and that he never wanted to speak to me again. To this day I have not spoken to him. This was hard for me, because I thought he’d react more mature. I knew though that he wasn’t meant to be a part of my life anymore and I was content with that. I had been blessed with some amazing people at BYU and I will never forget their influence they had on my decision.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland stated, “I can do hard things.” This semester has been one of the most emotional, but cherishing times in my life. The Lord and Savior know me and my hearts desires. He has a plan for me. Everything happens for a reason, and it’s been difficult. Nevertheless because of those times of adversity, I’ve grown stronger and close to Him. Christ is only an arms length away, because that’s as far as we can push him, and it’s up to us to reach out and grab His hand.